Our Home

After some chit chat on Twitter last night about decorating ideas for bedrooms/bathrooms, I decided to take you on a tour of our home. I'm very proud of it!

When Hubby lived here with Daughter before he met me, it was all magnolia paint and chocolate brown skirting boards, the dining room was a storage room, the kitchen had some mega trippy wallpaper, the bathroom was half tiled, the toilet was yellow. The garden was just grass and bushes.

We've worked very hard the last 3 years to turn it into a home and this is what it is now.

The Front Room:

I love the green on the feature wall! It brightens the whole room up, the silver touches give it a modern edge as does the black, it maintains a coziness on an evening which is important to me!

Our Bedroom: 

Everything is cream, very simple, very classic. With brown/gold touches to make it feel very natural. I find it very soothing and clean!

The Hallway:

Brilliant white as our house is very dark and quite small, the mirrors are placed to reflect as much light as possible to brighten it up and trick the eye into thinking its bigger!

T's Room:

I appreciate it looks a bit manic! I love this green, I find it calming, clean and refreshing. We decorated mostly with vinyl wall stickers (may have gone overboard!) the great thing in my eyes is it can always be refreshed with new stickers!

The Dining Room:

One of the darkest rooms in the house! But feels huge since we went with the brilliant white and took the door off. Went for a British theme so there's lots of red in there too.

The Kitchen: 

The kitchens not quite as I'd like it yet, we live in a council house, so I don't want to invest in worktops and the likes until we've bought the house. I've done the best I can with it, tried to go for a vintage feel but it's been difficult!!

The Bathroom: 

Another dark room. I went for the glossy black and white to open it up as its a very small bathroom! I love the freshness of the black and white. I've gone for the turquoise to make it a bit sophisticated, and if I feel the need to redecorate it I just change the colour of the accessories!

The Toilet: 

The toilet is literally just big enough for the loo. I went from the yellow to just brilliant white but that made it feel huge and cold! So we got some of our favourite pics and plastered them all over the walls. The back of the toilet door is a collage of beer mats my father in law collected. Good to read through when you're in there a while!

The Garden:

So much time and effort has gone into our garden (from my Hubby's part) we absolute love it, it's still not fully finished, we change our minds about things a lot and adapt it depending on our needs! 

So I hope you enjoyed the tour and for those who asked I hope you got some inspiration!! 

Schiosknadihoihbjbadkjsbuwdbbajb

Yep that title just about sums up my brain at the moment.

I'm currently in a lot of pain.

I have problems with my left wrist which just feels like my wrist has a really bad migraine, my left foot which feels like it's being crushed. My lower back feels like its so stiff and achy and I have sciatica on both sides.

This has been the case for a year now. I've seen about 8 different physios, have had x rays and ultrasound scans all which have shown no problem, which is good news, but still doesn't explain the pain. I've had lots of different diagnosis, plantar fasciitis, carpal tunnel syndrome, a loose pelvis, arthritis... you name it. But when it's come to proving them they've all been negative.

The arthritis always crops up. I've suffered joint pain and swelling for about 10 years now, both my oldest sisters suffer badly, one has Rheumatoid and the other has Relapsing Polychondritis (Arthritis of the cartilage) All my blood work has come back negative for the specific arthritis tests, but the none specific ones have always come back showing inflammation....everytime, so there's obviously something not right.

The one thing they keep telling me is that I'm very Hypermobile. But this has always been stated as a fact, like 'you have legs'. I've never been advised how to deal with it, or told that it can cause pain.

So the latest diagnosis is that I have a herniated disc which is causing my back and foot pain, I have an MRI scan tomorrow to see if that's the case. Got to wait a few weeks for the results for that. But that doesn't explain my wrist pain. I'm currently having to wear a wrist splint during the night as that lessens the pain somewhat.

So I'm a bit fed up with all of that and just felt the need to moan about it.

Lets talk about T and reward charts.

T is usually a little angel, I've never really had to deal with him being naughty or temper tantrums thankfully.

We introduced 2 reward charts last week. One was an hourly breakdown of his day, if he behaves well for each hour/activity he gets a smiley face, if he's naughty he gets a cross.

The other one was introduced to cut down on how often he gets treats. So if he goes above and beyond, eg tidys his toys away as soon as being asked without complaining, saying please and thank you without being prompted, he gets a star, when he gets 10 stars he gets a treat.

This worked fabulously until he decided he likes crosses on his day chart. So he's start being naughty and we'd say 'uh oh if you're naughty that means we'll have to go and put a cross on your chart' with which his face would light up and go 'yes a naughty cross'  ummmm, pants that didn't work.

After some pretend horror on our part, and just how naughty he must be to want a naughty cross, he reluctantly changes his mind, cries and says 'no, T want a happy face' (along with the sign for happy, am most pleased with how his signing is coming on!)

Same now goes for stars, 'If you're a good boy and do this today for Mammy, then you can have a star' now gets the reply 'Ummm no, T no want stars' (said with utter disgust)

Ok so think this idea needs to be scrapped, I've never heard of reverse effects with reward charts!

I am unsettled about today, I told him our activities for the day as I always do on a morning.

'we're going to watch some CBeebies, then you'll have a little sleep, then when you wake up D and J will be here, then we'll all come to gymnastics, then we'll go home and play, then we're going out with (names allllll the family members) for tea as it's R's birthday'

T thought about this for a while and then said 'Nope, T's going to be naughty today, lots of naughty crosses for T' and then 'No sticks (gymnastics) for T, want to stay at home and be naughty'

Er right!

I don't think we should have introduced the cause and effect of being naughty when he was being so good, it obviously seems such an exciting new thing, DAMMIT!

Also, T learned the signs for being poorly on Monday, so every day we get a run down of what hurts (hair, eyes, ears, teeth, mouth, tongue, legs, arms, elbows, toes, fingers....) and then he says he needs to go to the Drs.

Highly amusing, but not going to be helpful when he's actually ill I fear!

The joys of raising a drama queen.

To prove this I'll leave you with a conversation I overheard between him and the Hubby the other day:

T ' Daddy, new batteries please'
H ' Ah, that ones broken, it can't have batteries in it, you'll just have to pretend'
T *silent for a few seconds, and then screams in utter dismay* 'BUT DADDY, WHAT WE GONNA DOOOOO?!'

18 lbs down

Look at how skinny I am!!! 

 

Sorry about the expression on my face, I hate having my photo taken especially on my own!

Shame that me boobs haven't joined in, I daren't lose much more incase I constantly over balance! 

So May brought me down to 12 stone 2.

 

I've so far lost 2 inches off me boobs, 2 and half inches off my waist, and 3 inches off my hips.

 

I've struggled a bit recently, with it being time of the month, I was hankering for crisps and chocolate, which I could just about get away with as long as I stuck with the diet all day and didn't go too mad on the night (although to celebrate my 1 and a half stone loss I may have had half a tube of Pringles, 2 takeaways, a large Lindt bunny and a million bags of crisps :S)

 

But am fairly back on track now, apart from my first Krispy Kreme doughnut the other day.....

 

Only problem is I can't stop spending money on clothes. I have NEVER enjoyed clothes shopping and I only went when I desperately needed to. But now there's no stopping me....except I have to stop cause there just isn't enough money in the world to buy the clothes I want!

 

So I think once I've hit 12 stone, I'm going to try and maintain, I don't want to get much smaller, especially as my boobs aren't joining in, I just need to brave a gym or fitness classes of some sort now so that I can tone my belly and arms up.

 

I have to say (possibly for the first time ever) that since I've dyed my hair a bit blonder (since the above pic was taken) so it's now a bit more blonde and sun streaked, and I tan ridiculously easy so I'm quite a mucky brown at the moment, and being skinny for the first time in 10/15 years I feel quite attractive and I can happily stare at my reflection in the mirror for a while and still feel happy!! That's a very big deal for me to say that!

 

So my weight loss journey is coming to an end, I'm sure I will do a final blog when I've hit target.

 

*dances off happily into the sunset flicking her hair around*

 

 

 

I'm joining in with #wobbleswednesday courtesy of @NakedMum

 

 

Tough Time

Well I haven't blogged in a while because I've been very busy and having a tough time.

Regular readers will know that I had problems just after T was born, I was diagnosed with PND but I think I was misdiagnosed and that I had PMDD. Anyways I seemed to manage to get this all under control but for the last few months I've felt it creeping back.

T's not been helping.

His routine seems to have changed and I'm not sure how or why.

We let his bedtime slip a little for a week or two. He usually is in his room having his stories read by 7pm, but it had slipped back to 8pm.

Then his naps seem to have stopped. He's always napped 10 - 12, I know this is unusual for his age, but he always slept so it never seemed a problem.

Then he started to just babble when I put him down, so I thought maybe we should be switching to afternoon naps, some days they work and some days they don't.

It's very frustrating, he's usually such an angel, and I know I'm so lucky. But I think it makes it a billion times worse when he plays up.

His behaviour has changed a lot with the change in sleep. He pushed a girl over at toddler gym last week, and snatched a toy off of another boy. He always used to wait his turn.

Today we went to Toddler sign language, which he adores, but he screamed and kicked off from the minute we got in there, and just sat on my knee sobbing and screaming 'I WANT TO GO HOME!!!' over and over and over.

It's moments like that I think 'is he ill? Is he tired? Do I take him home? If I take him home will that be me giving him too much power? If I keep him in the class will he hate it more the next time?'

All those thoughts circling round wear me out mentally, and then I'm not even getting my usual 1 or 2 hours a day whilst he naps to get my head back together.

So maybe it's not PMDD maybe I'm just mentally exhausted and it was just a coincidence that it tied in with 'that time'

*Huge sigh*

On a more positive note, he's picked up a lot of his sign language, his counting is coming on really well, we're almost up to 30. He's started writing letters:

Can you see his a,b and c??!

We've had lots of lovely time playing in the garden, just bought him the most MENTAL bubble machine! Will try and get some pics of that in action.

He's planted some seeds to help Daddy grow some veg, and learned how to look for worms, and then feed them to the chickens!

*......I think he's gone to sleep!.....*

Going to make him a weekly activity board, so he knows what to expect from each day when he gets up, and turn it into a reward chart as well so if he completes an activity without being naughty he gets a smiley face, then when he gets x amount of smiley faces he can have a treat, or something along those lines.

Right then lovely people, I'm off to take advantage of him actually napping and going to have a nice hot cup of coffee!

My Weight Loss So Far (Sorry if you sick in your mouth a bit!)

A small bit of my weight loss history:

I met my gorgeous Hubby in April 2009, I weighed around 14 stone 13. I fell pregnant, and on the day I went into labour, I was 14 stone 13. After I gave birth I dropped to 12 stone 11 at my lowest, but once I got around to remembering to eat and stopped breast feeding, I settled at 13 stone. I stayed around there until towards the end of 2012 when my weight crept up to 13 stone 8.

So my regular blog readers will remember that I vowed to become sexy (in my eyes) by the time I was 30 (in August 2013) One of my goals was to lose a stone and get down to 12 and 1/2 stone.

I didn't think I ate too badly, so I concentrated on upping my exercise, so that I was doing WiiFit or Wii Zumba every day, and my 2 - 4 hours of badminton.

By the end of January I wasn't so sure that it had worked, then after going to my best friends 30th on January 29th and seeing the following photo I knew it wasn't working.

I look huge in this, doesn't help having the picture taken with the gorgeous Amanda!

So I knew that a lot of my friends had started, and were having a lot of luck with Slimming World and I decided that I would pay the small fortune it cost, I would sign up for 3 months and see how it went.

When reading through and trying to understand Slimming World it didn't make any sense, it was mostly just eating what I wanted. So I started on Feb 4th. 2 days in, my diet didn't feel like it had changed that much and I just wanted a pig out day. I decided to hop on the scales and vowed if I'd lost even a pound I would behave myself because maybe the diet was working. I hopped on, I'd lost 4! IN 2 DAYS!

That motivated me more than anything, I went on to lose 8 pounds in my first week!

To this day I don't understand how I'm losing weight with what I'm eating, but the important thing is I am. I hit my 12 and a half stone target on Mar 14th, that's what, 6 weeks?! I was over the moon.

I've reset my target now to 12 stone and then I'm just going to maintain. I've relaxed it a bit since I hit my target as I'm happy to maintain that and I have. The thing I LOVE about Slimming World is that I can have a day off (Usually my weigh in day) because I know as soon as I'm back on the diet I'll lose it again.

My usual day consists of eating:

Breakfast; Scrambled eggs (nothing added in) and 2 slices of grilled bacon with the fat removed and a cup of coffee (1 syn for sugar in coffee).

Lunch: 1 slice of wholemeal bread, with margarine on (1 syn), a slice of cheese, 2 slices of wafer thin ham and some cucumber. With fruit or a muller light yoghurt for something sweet.

Tea: My own version of spag bol (sauce made of pasatta, mushrooms, garlic, onions and mixed herbs) or gammon (fat cut off) egg (fried in Fry Light) and chips (Slimming world chips, easy to make and are YUMMY!)

So I'm not eating like a rabbit, so of all of the above, I get up to 15 syns a day to use and I've used 2 in the above menu! So I can have a little bit of chocolate or a pack of crisps and stay within my allowance, or save them all up for weigh day and hope they cover my takeaway!)

I went out last weekend and bought myself a whole new wardrobe. In January I was a comfortable 16, I'm now on the verge of being a comfortable size 12 which I never dreamed possible!

I used to hide in baggy hoodies and jeans, My wardrobe now has fitted tops and jeggings in, which I'm living in all the time because for the first time in soooooooo many years I actually enjoy how I look!

So here's the nitty gritty (Those of a nervous disposition look away now!) The underwear pics!

Jan: 13 stone 8
Feb: 13 stone 5
Mar; 12 stone 9
Apr: 12 stone 5

I've lost approximately 2 inches each from my bust, weight and hips!

 

 

If you're still with me and aren't spewing over the arm of your chair (I will not be held liable for vomit damaged laptops/ipads/mobiles!) I've written this blog for 2 reasons, one to show those of you who think diets don't work like I didn't, that this one does! It is a lot of money, but it has been worth every penny, I don't intend to stay a member after the 3 months is up as I know the diet well enough now, and 2 to join in with #wobbleswednesday which I believe is run by @kateonthinice on Twitter, to possibly motivate others and to keep myself motivated!

 

Thanks for reading :)

 



Thanatophobia - Fear of Death

I'm sorry that this is a potentially morbid post, but in light of recent circumstances it's playing on my mind a lot.

I lost my first Granddad to cancer when I was about 8. My parents dealt with it amazingly and I wasn't hugely phased by it.

I then lost my Nan to cancer just before I turned 18. That was much harder, I was so close to my Nan.

I remember being summoned to the home she was in as she'd taken a turn for the worse. My whole family was gathered, we sat having idle chit chat until it descended into silence whilst we listened to my Nans breathing. I then freaked out and ran out into the memorial garden. I was followed out by my Dad, I went mad at him saying how sick we were all sat there waiting to see if each breath was her last one. He sent me back home in the care of one of my sisters.

After lots of talking and crying we fell asleep. The phone rang early the next morning to say that she didn't have long left, that we should come and say good bye. My sister hurried off to get ready and I started praying. I prayed that she would go before we got there. Just as I uttered the word 'amen' the phone rang again. She had gone. I carry the guilt of  that to this day.

I went into shock after she died, my sister was due to get married the following week, there had been worries that I was too big for my bridesmaids dress, but by the wedding it had to be taken in.

In quick succession we lost my Dads best friend to Cancer (my 'uncle') and my cousins baby daughter to Leukaemia. Those were a horrendous few years.

I lost my other Granddad in 2007, I was living miles away at the time having moved to Leeds, I came home a weekend earlier than planned and decided to go visit my Grandparents. I remember as I kissed my Granddad goodbye he grabbed my hand and asked if I was happy, whilst looking deep into my eyes. I wasn't, that was why I came home, but I lied and said I was. He looked sad. He knew I was lying, and that was the last time I saw him as he died the following weekend. At the crematorium, I remember sobbing saying that I was sick of the sight of the place.

I have my Grandma left, but she has Alzheimers, which is very hard to deal with. Still I endeavour to see her once a month and I take T with me so he may know at least one of his Great Grandparents. She never knows who we are, but hopefully deep down it'll mean something to her.

I get very sad sometimes that I essentially have no Grandparents left, I know how much they would have all adored T, loved his big blue eyes, easy smile and cheekiness. I was sad that they didn't get to see me married to my amazing Husband (My Grandma was there, but I don't think she knew why) I wonder what they would make of me now if they were here.

From being very young I always had a 'Guardian Angel' complex (might not be the best way to describe it but bear with me whilst I explain) I remember being as young as say 4, and when my oldest sister was left babysitting me, I would stay awake till my parents came home. If she went in the bath I would go and sit at the top of the stairs until she'd finished. Incase anything happened in that time that I could prevent.

If I'd promised my Dad I would go see my Grandparents with him, and then decided I didn't want to, I would end up going anyway, because if I didn't go and something happened, maybe I could have prevented it.

I worry myself sick when people go away, or travel to work on an icy day. I have explained to those closest to me that I need to know the MINUTE they've arrived so I can relax. It took a lot of arguements with some, but now they do it because that's just part of who I am.

I have a huge phobia of death. I'm sure no one is looking forward to it really, but I think about it at least once a day, I cope up with plans of how I would cope if X, Y or Z died. I was that convinced I would die during childbirth but T wouldn't that I took out life insurance so that my Hubby didn't have to worry about money alongside looking after a newborn and grieving over me. I can't wrap my head around not waking up one morning, not seeing my son, my Husband, my Step Daughter, my family my friends. I then get panic attacks, so it's something I try not to do to that extent too often!

I'm very fortunate that my Hubby understands this particularly weird side of me.

In order to deal with things in my head, I make it my lifes mission to (when possible, and I'm no saint) to never part on bad terms, tell people I love them as often as I can so they're in no doubt that I loved them.

You'll never know when someone may be suddenly taken from you, so if you love them, even if they annoy you to death sometimes, make the most of every bliddy minute you get with them.

Maybe this is a selfish thing? It's essentially so that if something did happen I have no regrets. But telling and showing a person how much you love them is never a bad thing right?!

SAHM Vs Working Mum

I so don't have time to write this, but I need to write!!!

The SAHM vs Working mother debate started on Twitter yesterday. I got so upset by some of the things that I read that I had to have a day off Twitter!

I reluctantly watch the debate on 'This Morning' and am shaking!

Here's MY views.

I am a SAHM.

When I was pregnant, I was set on the fact that once T was born I would take my 3 months full maternity pay and then return to work for 45 hours a week and put him in with a childminder that I knew.

The second he was born (maybe 24 hours later to be truthful I was TERRIFIED of him for the first 24 hours) I changed my mind.

When the end of my paid maternity leave was in sight I wrote this blog I was so confused about what was the 'right' thing to do.

I returned to work 6 hours a week, to keep my foot in the door. This was on a Wednesday 9 -3. As on a Wednesday both my in-laws were off and could look after T.

This was great until work decided it was better for me to work 11-2 on a Tuesday and Thursday. I would make £21 in those 3 hours, but I would have had to put T in nursery from 9 - 3 and include lunch. This would cost £30 plus my travel costs of £3 so I was down £12 a day.

So I took the plunge and I left.

I've never been happier!

I love that I see all of T's 'Firsts' I love that he's so intelligent because of all the time I've spent teaching him. I love being able to step back and say that my decision was the right one for me and T.

T could potentially start pre-school in November and get his 16 hours free placement. I have 4 options which I put into preference order. 9-3 Mon/Tue and 9-12 Wed/ 12-3 Wed, 9-3 Thu/Fri/ 9-12 every morning or 12-3 every afternoon.

The full day options were my first preference. Thinking I was more able to find a job that i could fit round. But I won't know what option I have been given until he gets his place! If it's the morning/afternoon ones, I'm still not going to be able to work. No job that I am aware of will give me the option to work 12:30-2:30!

I look for jobs every day, I am so frightened that more cuts are made to benefits and I'd rather be able to scrape by than have the rug pulled out from under my feet.

I know a lot of working Mums, infact I think of them all I'm the only SAHM.

One mum works 2 days a week, whilst family look after the baby. She owns her own business.

Mums who work where I used to work, managed to sort out better hours and send their kid to childcare whilst at work.

My mum was a working mum, she set up her own business just after I was born.

Hat's off to them all! That was how they decided it was best to raise their kids and they have stuck by it and are happy!

I believe that mothers who have careers should be able to carry on with their dreams, without paying the price. The cost of childcare in this country doesn't make that easy no matter how much help the government give you. I admire them hugely!

If I'm honest I've always had 2 'career' goals.

My first was to be a Sports Physio, which I worked at for many years, but was unable to achieve due to health problems.

My second was to be a great mother.

I achieved my career goal.

I do intend to return to work as soon as I am able to, without it affecting my family beliefs.

I believe one of the reasons I decided I wanted to be a great mum was from the following story:

I worked on Kids camp back in 2003, it was a camp for school trips, but in July/August it turned into a summer camp. I worked on the reception over the summer, so I got to wander about when it was quiet and chat to the kids.

There was a boy called Josh, age 7/8. He was American. He took a bit of a shine to me, and use to seek me out when he had free time. I spent the full 6 week camp getting to know him. He went to boarding school from the first week in September till the middle of July. He had a week at home for Christmas. When he finished in July, his parents put him on a plane to the UK and he attended our Summer camps for the 6 weeks holidays.

On his last day, before he got driven to the airport for his flight, he was in hysterics, crying and saying that he didn't want to leave me. He told me he "loved me more than his mom, because I took the time to be with him, talk to him and listen to him"

All he wanted was a Mummy.

I appreciate that this is an extreme and most working mothers would at least get the chance to put their kid to bed. But this broke my heart and I vowed there and then that when I had kids I would spend as much time with them as I could.

Anyways to summarise my wafflings:

SAHM are GREAT, working mums are GREAT! We all do what we believe is right for OUR child.

What makes us bad mums is passing judgement on other peoples way of life and what they do with their kids.

We're all Mums, working or not and we should just support each other because being a Mum is hard work sometimes!

I think that's all I needed to say.

Please feel free to leave comments, but any hateful or bitchy ones will be removed. I'm all about positivity and don't have time for unnecessary hate or anger!